No more excuses
They say that love is blind,
But I raise you the other 4 senses.
The true person comes out in a matter of time,
Nowhere left for false pretences.
But wait, am I just making an excuse?
Everything seemed so perfect at first,
Almost too good to be true.
But perfection would turn into a curse,
And I would lose me finding you.
But wait, am I just making an excuse?
I can remember that first love bomb,
How lucky I was to have you by my side.
Like we were living in our own RomCom,
Unaware of the rollercoaster I was about to ride.
But wait, am I just making an excuse?
What began as a gentle drip,
A caring, are you sure that’s a good idea?
Became one hell of an unshakable grip,
You were the constant devils voice in my ear.
But wait, am I just making an excuse?
You would comfort me with warm embrace,
Encourage me to open up, tell me I was safe.
All just a tool to throw back in my face,
I felt betrayed, you swore that wasn’t the case.
But wait, am I just making an excuse?
Things that would bring me excitement and joy,
Versus you, became an impossible competition.
Those pieces of me you would soon destroy,
Choosing you became my default position.
But wait, am I just making an excuse?
Asking myself was it a mistake, or was it habit,
So sure it could never be the latter,
That every carrot you dangled, I would grab it!
But then the pieces of me began to shatter.
But wait, am I just making an excuse?
Not your actions but words I believed,
Promising me this time, it would be different.
Caught in every web of lies that you weaved,
Not your lover or wife, but just a participant.
But wait, am I just making an excuse?
I was so convinced of a happy future,
Your power to make me forget my present hell.
I kept telling myself, that’s not who you were,
Then doubt, is this truly love or some kind of spell.
But wait, am I just making an excuse?
The weight of power over me you held,
So strong to change my reality.
The woman I was, unbeknown withheld,
Piece by piece, a total change of mentality.
But wait, is there even an excuse?
What was once a paradise of infatuation,
A blissful bubble that could never be burst.
Became a place of total isolation,
Before I knew it, could see it, I was completely immersed.
But wait, is this abuse?
Behind closed doors, your emotional punch bag,
But in front of others your trophy bride.
Like so many others, a bright red flag,
Only for your ego was I there to provide.
But wait, is this abuse?
I knew the facts but you’d tell me I was wrong,
A life full of lies and deceit.
You knew what you were doing, all along,
But still you expect me to fall at your feet.
But wait, is this abuse?
Everything I questioned, especially my sanity,
So unable to trust myself or my memories.
All for you ego and for your vanity,
Lies and empty promises, your only remedies.
But wait, is this abuse?
Whatever you could do to devalue me,
Keep me under your control.
So often I’d be too scared to disagree,
Years of my life you effortlessly stole.
But wait, is this abuse?
I tried my best to live up to your perfection,
But whatever I did I was always lacking.
Be told I was just a humiliation,
Not physical, but a mental, emotional smacking.
So stop, this is abuse!
I’d look into your eyes as anxiety rose,
The panic attacks took over my body.
I was powerless and I just froze,
While you stood over me, no care or empathy.
Please stop, this is abuse.
I see it all now, eyes and heart wide open,
My love just gave your ego an appetite.
But now I will have my truth spoken,
From weakness comes strength, and for my future I will fight.
Because, it was abuse.
So no, I’m not crazy, worthless, stupid or weak,
Not an idiot, silly, unlovable or insane.
Not a bitch, deluded, fake or a freak,
But I am a woman who will not live through this cycle again.
Because, it was abuse.
A life that you destroyed I will now rebuild,
I’ve found a strength I’ve never known.
I will lead a life more fulfilled,
And without you, I have never felt less alone.
Because I accept, it was abuse.
You made me believe I needed you,
That without you I would be nothing.
But now I see that is simply not true,
Because I love who I am becoming.
I don’t seek your apology, my freedom is my closure,
My expression in poetry, somewhat my disclosure.
Because what I would once tolerate with an excuse,
I see clearly now, was not love but abuse.